Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Defining Moments or Justification?

I have moments in life when I do something I probably shouldn’t have done, though I certainly feel justified in the moment.

Scenario #1: After Dave finished his marathon a couple of weeks ago, the boys and I were walking through a business park in Cebu looking for a place to eat breakfast. As we passed Jollibee, a fast food favorite in the Philippines, I noticed a couple sitting in the restaurant on the other side of the glass staring at Joshua with their noses in the air, or at least that was my interpretation of their facial expressions. So I stood in front of the glass and made a confrontational, though not entire obscene, gesture; they turned their heads away immediately. I didn’t even care who saw me, and it was a good thing that we had a glass wall separating us. But glass only makes one more vulnerable, and sometimes I want to cry tears and shake people silly to help them see that my son is beautiful and that his spirit is not intimidated or diminished by the glares he receives. Would that mean they win, if I shake them silly that is?

Scenario #2: Last week at a soccer game a friend of mine sat with the mothers from the opposing team. She came late and it was the quickest place for her to find a seat. And then she heard it, the N word, directed at Joshua. She only told me about it after the game, and what a good thing that was or any semblance that I bear to Christ would have evaporated. However, she actually stood in front of the other mothers and told them off. Even the opposing team’s coaches apologized. This was after she chewed out a child for using the same word at the same game. I applauded and appreciated that she took a stand. If only I had been there . . .

If I had been there, I probably would have regretted my behavior afterward. It’s not just a “mama bear” thing. I just can’t fully comprehend how in world that’s made smaller by technology, in a world with rampant multiculturalism in most urban centers, in a world so emboldened about social equality--how does a word like this still persist? Yes, we are fallen sinners. Yes, we have a free will and some of us take that too far. Yes, we make bad choices with the words we use. Yes, some people are really that ignorant. However, maybe technology makes the chasm bigger and even accentuates our differences and leaves us wondering how people can live that way. Or let’s consider how often we seek out people in our city who are like us and spend most of our time with them. And what if social equality is just a cool catch phrase or fancy rhetoric?

These days I seem to have far more questions than answers. I still grapple with finding God’s truth and holding onto irrevocable joy when I want to go all crazy on someone who calls my son a name he doesn’t deserve because I know I am guilty, too.  Every time I see a young Filipina with a really old man, I get judgmental and start calling him names in my mind and think that she can't possibly be attracted to him. Since many of my friends fighting for justice in the Philippines agree with me, I feel vindicated. Therein lies the tension. I can't call it holy because I'm still left wondering.

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