When the World Never Seems

Not too long ago, the boys and I had an outing with some good friends of ours. She’s an English woman married to a Filipino and they have five children, three of whom are adopted. And then there’s our family. Not surprisingly, my sons have become accustomed to convincing people that they are brothers. As we were leaving the restaurant, one of the workers audibly commented on how international we looked.

I guess we’re so used to comments like this that they don’t even faze us anymore. The commonplace nature of someone who is curious about how we can actually be a family amuses us. After all, we certainly know many more families who’ve adopted internationally and interracially now than we knew ten years ago. It’s kind of becoming the right thing to do in some Christian circles, and we’re the first ones to applaud this. Plus, we live in a big city where foreigners commonly marry Filipinos and cruise around the mall with their offspring in tow. So what’s so different about us (apart from how much we dislike the mall)?

We don’t actually think we’re different. Our perspective is perhaps skewed because we’ve been on all sides of the spectrum, sometimes to our disdain and sometimes to our benefit. To be honest, we don’t even know what to call it. We’ve been afforded privilege based on the color of our skin in countries where we are in the vast minority. And we’ve also had a host of paradoxical assumptions made about us based on the color of our skin in those same countries ⎼ we’re rich, we’re self-seeking, we’re full of love and grace, we’re willing to help anyone in need. And, well, we do understand why these assumptions exist, and we don’t necessarily winnow them down to negative stereotypes and take offense. At least we think we don’t.

Nevertheless, I’m reminded of a few basic facts about life.

1. There is no longer a singular, monolithic definition of family. The traditional definitions I learned when I was in school don’t seem all that apropos anymore. God sets the lonely in families, He’s adopted all of us, and He’s the God of all families (whether or not all families recognize this to be true).

2. However antiquated it may sound, we need to teach our children to be color blind. Dave and I had a laugh the other night when he had to explain to Damascus that Joshua did not come from my stomach. Damascus has even told his classmates he’s Kenyan even though he sometimes pretends he’s Filipino and says he’s from the US. Either he’s really adaptable, or his upbringing has really confused him.

3. It really isn’t polite to stare. A smile can deflect a stare by causing the gazer to look away, feel embarrassed, or smile back. However, in all truth, sometimes I have a penchant to tell the person off. Of course, I know it’s not kind and that it’s against the culture. I know it will only make me feel better. But it still irks me.